There you are, happily marching down the road of life, when suddenly you realize you made a wrong turn, or maybe a number of them, and you don't quite recognize where you are. You start to feel a little panic rise, like the kind that you get when you miss an access point to the October Bridge (in Cairo) in a place where you've never been before and you have no idea where the next turnoff will be, and you nurture a fervent hope that there is a gas station coming up soon, because your petrol gauge is indicating a ridiculous amount of gasoline.
You keep the panic carefully contained during the day but soon its night, uninvited darkness shadows over all familiarities you have come across, ghosts of ugly people you shut out of your life suddenly start to chase you, and foul odour of places you regret having been to, and painful memories of bitter experiences that you have had in the past. You had promised yourself to get rid of all of this, yet it is all coming back to you now. A rush of adrenaline fills your body, in which all you can do is scream, but you cannot, because you are mute.
Hush now it is just a bad dream, you say to yourself, or may be more. But the truth is, it is certainly more, you keep having this incessant agonizing nightmare for days and days over and over again.
Tormented, you wander through nightmare after nightmare naked, wearing a big funny hat and bunny slippers that suddenly become actual rabbits, because this is a God damn dream, after all! And so, there you are hopping, hopping, always hopping and mumbling to yourself "How did I get here? This is not my beautiful life! This is not my beautiful future!" "Where the heck am I?"
But you are not lost or anything, in fact, you keep getting lost and you know you always end up at the very same place. After as many nights as it takes you to reach some milestone birthday – or more commonly - a new year's eve (in my case for instance) you declare "This isn't where I wanted to be! I'm going to change my life!" You've been here before: weight loss plans come and gone. Career changes dreamt of. The odd cut-up credit card and carefully scripted budget plan. Switching to decaf. Playing sports thrice a week. Practicing this old sophisticated piece of music you always give up on. Improving your French and learning another language online. Going to Santoku cutting technique classes and the list goes on. None of it stuck. Gosh, how I hate starting points, they are mind consuming.
You keep the panic carefully contained during the day but soon its night, uninvited darkness shadows over all familiarities you have come across, ghosts of ugly people you shut out of your life suddenly start to chase you, and foul odour of places you regret having been to, and painful memories of bitter experiences that you have had in the past. You had promised yourself to get rid of all of this, yet it is all coming back to you now. A rush of adrenaline fills your body, in which all you can do is scream, but you cannot, because you are mute.
Hush now it is just a bad dream, you say to yourself, or may be more. But the truth is, it is certainly more, you keep having this incessant agonizing nightmare for days and days over and over again.
Tormented, you wander through nightmare after nightmare naked, wearing a big funny hat and bunny slippers that suddenly become actual rabbits, because this is a God damn dream, after all! And so, there you are hopping, hopping, always hopping and mumbling to yourself "How did I get here? This is not my beautiful life! This is not my beautiful future!" "Where the heck am I?"
But you are not lost or anything, in fact, you keep getting lost and you know you always end up at the very same place. After as many nights as it takes you to reach some milestone birthday – or more commonly - a new year's eve (in my case for instance) you declare "This isn't where I wanted to be! I'm going to change my life!" You've been here before: weight loss plans come and gone. Career changes dreamt of. The odd cut-up credit card and carefully scripted budget plan. Switching to decaf. Playing sports thrice a week. Practicing this old sophisticated piece of music you always give up on. Improving your French and learning another language online. Going to Santoku cutting technique classes and the list goes on. None of it stuck. Gosh, how I hate starting points, they are mind consuming.
Well, enough said. Do you ever get one of these like me? Does this make any sense to you? Doesn't matter, I am not going to explain myself, personal blogs are pathetic, like i always say. I am just blogging a quick midday deliberation for the record.
12 comments:
Sure I feel like you these days. I think the only solution is to start trying to make a change, take baby steps.
Clhoe
Yes, I do get these very often, but when I do I try to overcome this feeling by not delving into the past, and regretting the time I wasted, and look forward to the future. I think you are being too much on yourself to start with. I agree that one should take baby steps towards achieving the optimum of his capabilities and given talents, but all without stressing oneself with the idea that the clock is ticking and I have to move faster than it, because this is how people get easily frustrated and eventually depressed. Little by little, you will have it all, just do not be too hard on yourself. Relax and enjoy the ride, as you say.
And by the way, this post is absolutely personal, as a matter of fact it is too personal as far as I am concerned! :P
Hey pinky and the brain, I found your thoughts to be so much similar to mine.so here is my blog, check it out
http://lastunicorn80.wordpress.com/2007/10/02/the-logical-song-by-an-80s-band-called-supertramp/
Loved the intro! I think you should really consider joining BT. I never get any of “these”. But I neither am that ambitious person, anyways. I love living it day by day. I do it the Italian way, and I am loving it. When will you take me to dive?
:o)
@Clhoe who's meant to be "Chloe", I suppose: You are absolutely right.
@Eddie: Who the heck are you, man? I do not even know you, and you pretend as if you have dated me for years!
@Last Unicorm:
No, i will not check your blog and I might consider activating the God damn word verification once again!
@Anony: You are far flung from being an anony, sugar ;) You are a very ambitous person, thing is, you are rather more practical and realistic than I am. And we will go diving next summer when I am officially off! :D
Yes you do know me very well, EU June 2006, remember? :)
Impressive, yep it is me! About being practical and realistic, I gotta confess that you are improving :))you just need to speed up the pace a little.
SYT
@Eddie:
I am sorry but no i dont remember what happened in the kinna EU event in 0606 that you are referring to! I think you have been commenting on the wrong blog for the last 2 years buddy! :D
@Anony:
Man, things cannot happen any faster, you know that.
Well that was good actually i was touched deeply by your words as i do feel what you were trying to employ...about those new starting points...for me i don't go far of most of them...they always stay as starting points on roads waiting for real actions real runners to go along...we are just living life as it drives us and that's the most ridicules thing any person can do...we are not taking the benefits of being human beings...anyways I like the video so much as well, great choice...
~Be Well~
Myra
May be we should meet soon to prove that we know each other. Where are you in Cairo? I live in Maadi.
It is absolutely lovely weather this morning! You should come visit London now before it gets ugly in winter.
Now, this is ridiculously funny! T. you do enjoy such a minacious clairvoyance, I am telling you! I have been on an unpaid leave for the past two months trying to get started back to square one again, hoping that being 100% dedicated to the thing and not just giving it a lick and a promise, as always, could help me maintain the gait ahead. In a few words, it was not worth the unpaid 2 checks I lost, honestly! It is true I had a wonderful time around the world, but absolutely not worth the hassle. I learnt change does not happen easily. It requires a real motive and a constant exercise. Bottom of line, try to have as much as you can have, do not put it as a main target, change will just flow by time.
Excellent excellent piece of writing honey, I have very much enjoyed the intro!
@Myra,
I second what you said big time (in your last post) that one should not deactivate the mind and the nature of a human being as long as one continues to wake up every morning to live a new day. Yet, it is so hard to apply in real life, I mean, for instance, we all can easily state a list of things that we want to do/be and it is easy to squeeze time to fit a thing or two to work on, yet I seem to lose both enthusiasm and control over both my will and time to keep the pace going for a long time, or even long enough to see a difference. Anyways, all I meant to say is that it is a fairly common catch-22, I suppose. But thanks for your comment!
@Jerrel from Out of Africa,
Good Lorda mine!!! Look who is “connected” back again! Oh ye grouchy Brit, you are such a hard to please bloody lad sa7i7! :D Well, keep the invitation extended for some time, I will definitely be paying you a little visit shortly but not in 2007. And, whatever happened to the sophisticated Narkissos?!
Btw J., how do you write your name; Jerrel or Jerrell? Cause I remember you always write it with double L and not just one L, am I right?
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